Our every conversation
A combination of ellipsis
Other hands have roamed
Other mouths kissed and bitten
Other lips whispered words against my skin
It doesn’t matter
It never matters
I am all yours
Everything yours
Always yours
Things I remember: The hungover smell of you in the morning was (is) like a drug to me.
Some mornings when I got there, strange music would be playing on your computer. You’d put music on at night and by morning it had shuffled its way through your eclectic collection and landed on something that was at odds with your quiet, sleeping breaths.
You never heard me arrive. Even when I came up the stairs, peed and flushed the toilet before stripping off my clothes to crawl in with you. Never once did you wake.
I would slip into bed beside your sweaty body and breath you in. The indescribable youness mixed with the cigarette smoke that always clung to you, and the sour scent of liquor leaching out of your pores. You smelled like home to me and my heart felt so full it might break.
Sometimes that’s all it would take to rouse you. Other times you’d sleep for another hour or so. But always, when you woke, you’d slide your hands across my naked body, mumble “Morning”, and pull me closer. Your legs tangled with mine. Your eyes still closed, and your lips on my lips.
Slow death
Interesting isn’t it
the choices we make
choices that smack of long term dissatisfaction
choices that cause us to swallow our feelings
as though they were hot coals
or dirty secrets
written on throwaway scraps of paper
Intetesting to be here now
You
with your dark glasses
moving cautiously forward
and I
listening for the birds
my arms full of dying flowers
I told a friend that I have to drive by your place on my way home from work now. She said “well that will make you think about him more”.
and I thought “how silly, I don’t need to drive by his place to think of him…
I only need to hear music playing,
to see the moon rise,
to feel my heartbeat,
to breathe.”
Everything yours
Beside you
My body becomes a universe
My hip bone
The curve of a moon underneath your palm
My pale skin
A Milky Way of glowing stars
Beside you
My energy becomes boundless
Connected to you
I am infinite
Stripped
I have left my dignity in the dirt
I have stripped myself bare
Lain naked and vulnerable at your feet and begged
For you
I have forgone my pride
I have taken scraps
Savoured each as though it was sweetest bite
Then sat hungry for eternities
Waiting for the next taste
My belly empty and growling
For you
The moment my heart broke
Something about the rain today
Reminds me of that day 12 years ago
I was curled up on the ground
My back pressed against the chain link fence
Crying so hard I felt I would dissolve
It was as though my pain was a clawing beast between us
Shredding us
Flaying our flesh
I pled and moaned and screamed for you
“Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry”
And you were staring down at me
Your face twisted in agony
Begging me to stop
To get up
To keep moving with you
But I was immobilized
Rooted to the spot by devastation
Completely overcome by the tearing in my chest
My heart had ruptured and grief was bleeding through my body
I was destroyed and shameless in my desperation
Crumpled on the wet ground
Collapsing in on myself
And not caring where all my broken pieces landed
inkskinned